Finding the Courage to Connect

In 2 Timothy 1:7 I read, “For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them.” (TLB)

When I’m full of fear and anxiety, I won’t get close to others. Instead, I end up backing off. I fear being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used, and these fears cause me to disconnect from the people around me.

This fear is as old as humanity. When Adam and Eve sinned, God came looking for them. Then Adam said, “I was afraid . . . and I hid myself” (Genesis 3:10 ESV). People have been hiding ever since.

I may not be physically hiding, but I hide my true self. I don’t let people know what I’m really like. I don’t let them see inside me. Why? Because I believe that if I show people my true self and they don’t like it, I’ll be up a creek without a paddle. Instead, I pretend to be someone I’m not.

This fear leads to three things that will damage my relationships:

Fear makes me defensive. I’m afraid to reveal myself, but people inevitably spot some of my weaknesses. And when they point out those weaknesses, I defend myself and retaliate.

Fear keeps me distant. I’m afraid to be open and honest—to let people get close to me. Instead, I withdraw and pull back so I can hide my emotions. I become defensive and distant.

Fear makes me demanding. The more insecure I am, the more I try to control and dominate. For me, it might look like I always have to get the last word in a conversation. Being demanding is always a symptom of fear and insecurity.

Clearly, fear only damages my relationships. But where do I get the courage to take the first step to connect with someone and move toward deeper intimacy?

I get it from God’s Spirit in my life. Paul says in 2 Timothy 1:7, “For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them” (TLB).

How do I know I’m filled with God’s Spirit? I’m filled with God’s Spirit when I’ve become more courageous in my relationships. Rather than fearing people, I’m free to love them and enjoy being with them.

The Bible says that “God is love” (1 John 4:8 TLB) and that “perfect love drives out all fear” (1 John 4:18 GNT). The more of God I have in my life, the less fear I’m going to have.

The starting point in connecting with anyone is to pause, pray, and say, “God, give me the courage to take the first step.” Am I ready to pray for one of my relationships today?

In summary, when I’m full of fear and anxiety, I won’t get close to others. I end up backing off. I fear being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used. These fears cause me to disconnect and hide my true self. I don’t let people know what I’m really like. I don’t let them see inside me. I believe that if I show people my true self and they don’t like it, I’ll be up a creek without a paddle. Instead, I pretend to be someone I’m not. This fear leads to three things that will damage my relationships: First fear makes me defensive. I’m afraid to reveal myself, but people inevitably spot some of my weaknesses. And when they point out those weaknesses, I defend myself and retaliate. Secondly fear keeps me distant. I’m afraid to be open and honest—to let people get close to me. Instead, I withdraw and pull back so I can hide my emotions. I become defensive and distant. And last fear makes me demanding. The more insecure I am, the more I try to control and dominate. Being demanding is always a symptom of fear and insecurity. So fear only damages my relationships. But where do I get the courage to take the first step to connect? I get it from God’s Spirit in my life. God does not want me to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them. I’m filled with God’s Spirit when I’ve become more courageous in my relationships. Rather than fearing people, I’m free to love them and enjoy being with them. God is love and perfect love drives out all fear. The more of God I have in my life, the less fear I’m going to have. The starting point in connecting with anyone is to pause, pray, and say, “God, give me the courage to take the first step.” Am I ready to do this?

In this chapter, Paul urged Timothy to be bold. If I allow people to intimidate me, I neutralize my effectiveness for God. The power of the Holy Spirit can help me overcome my fear of what some might say or do to me so that I can continue to do God's work. Paul mentions three characteristics of the effective Christian leader: power, love and self-discipline. These are available to me because the Holy Spirit lives in me. I am to follow his lead each day so that my life will more fully exhibit these characteristics. In this time of mounting persecution, Timothy may have been afraid to continue preaching the Good News. His fears were based on fact because believers were being arrested and executed. Paul told Timothy to expect suffering, Timothy, like Paul, would be jailed for preaching the Good News. But Paul promised Timothy that God would give him strength and that he would be ready when it was his turn to suffer. Even when there is no persecution, sharing my faith in Christ can be difficult. Fortunately, myself, like Paul and Timothy, can rely on the Holy Spirit to give me courage. Don't be ashamed to testify of my personal faith in Jesus Christ. 

Choose Gentleness, Not Defensiveness

In review of Proverbs 15:1 it reminds me that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (NIV).

Today’s verse is the first verse Proverbs 15. It tells me that a gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one only stirs it up.

It's hard to argue in a whisper. It is equally hard to argue with someone who insists on answering softly or gently.  On the other hand, a rising voice and harsh words almost always trigger an angry response. To turn away wrath and seek peace, choose quiet, gentle words.

As humans we have a tendency to mimic other people’s emotions, especially if we’re sitting right across the table from them? The reason we do this is because of mirror neurons in our brains that allow us to sympathize and to mirror what other people feel.

For instance, if somebody gets angry with me, I get angry back. If somebody is really miserable and I hang around that person long enough, I get miserable, too.

In the same way, when people raise their voice against me, I will usually raise my voice back. Then they raise their voice higher. Then I raise my voice higher. Then pretty soon things have escalated, and emotions are out of control.

The Bible says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV).

A tip that will save a lot of heartaches and conflicts is when people raise their voice, I should lower mine. This is called strength under control.

Gentleness defuses conflict. It de-escalates anger.

Here’s an another verse I’m going to need, probably even today or this week. Ecclesiastes 10:4 says, “If your boss is angry at you, don’t quit! A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes” (NLT).

When I get ripped into or spoken to loudly in anger, I need to realize it may not have anything to do with me. Instead of getting defensive, practice gentleness. Let my gentle answer disarm the other person and defuse the situation.

In summary, a gentle answer will quiet anger, whereas a harsh one will only stir it up. To turn away wrath and seek peace, choose quiet, gentle words. When people raise their voice, I should lower mine. This is practicing strength under control. Gentleness on my part will defuse conflict. Also, I need to realize it may not have anything to do with me. Instead of getting defensive, practice gentleness, I need to let my gentle answer disarm the other person or situation. 

Given the current project and work tasks in front of me and my team, this is a timely piece of advice. I’m sure Father you are reminding me because I will need it. I pray for your Holy Spirit to help remind me of this today and this week. In addition Father I pray for wisdom and guidance in my task, my leadership and my interaction with others. I pray these things in your Son Jesus name amen.

Don’t Get Defensive

In review of James 3:17 it says, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” (NIV).

James 3:13-18

If I want to be wise and understand God's ways, I would prove it by living an honorable life, and doing good works with humility that comes from wisdom. However if I am bitterly jealous and I harbor selfish ambition in my heart, I shouldn’t try to cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there I will find disorder and evil of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

I’m reminded this morning that true wisdom can be measured by the depth of a person's character. Just as I can identify a tree by the type of fruit it produces, I can evaluate my own wisdom by the way I act. Foolishness leads to disorder, but wisdom leads to peace and goodness. In my life, am I tempted to escalate the conflict, pass on gossip or fan the fire of discord? Careful, winsome speech and wise, loving words are the seeds of peace. God loves those who are peacemakers.

Bitter jealousy and selfish ambition are inspired by the devil. It is easy for us to be drawn into wrong desires by the pressures of society and sometimes even by well-meaning Christians. By listening to the world’s advice to: "Assert yourself," "Go for it," "Set high goals," I can be easily drawn into greed and destructive competitiveness. Seeking God's wisdom delivers me from the need to compare myself to others and to want what they have.

Am I a reasonable person? Can others reason with me? The Bible says if I’m wise, I’m reasonable and open to suggestions. A wise person does not antagonize others’ anger, does not minimize their feelings, and does not criticize their suggestions. I know at times I can be overly sensitive. If somebody makes a suggestion, I take it as a personal criticism and get defensive. But a wise person can learn from anybody!

Wise people are not defensive. They’re not stubborn. They’re open to reason. They’re willing to listen and learn. James 3:17 describes wisdom as “submissive,” but that word really means reasonable, willing to listen, and open to ideas and suggestions. The Living Bible says, “It allows discussion.”

If something is true, listen and learn from it. If it’s false, ignore it and forget it. “A fool thinks he needs no advice, but a wise man listens to others” (Proverbs 12:15 TLB).

Bottom Line:

Wisdom that comes from above leads us to be pure, friendly, gentle, sensible, kind, helpful, genuine, and sincere.

What this means to me:

The wisdom I obtain from above is pure first of all; it is also peaceful, gentle, and friendly; it is full of compassion and produces a harvest of good deeds; it is free from prejudice and hypocrisy.

In summary, If I want to be wise and truly understand God's ways, I should prove it by living an honorable life, and doing good works works with humility that comes from  wisdom. Wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, I will find disorder and every kind of evil. Wisdom from above is first of all pure, peace loving, gentle and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It will show no favoritism and is always sincere. True wisdom can be measured by the depth of my character and how I act. When I seek God's wisdom I get deliverance from the need to compare myself to others. It would be wise for me to not antagonize another's anger, minimize their feelings or criticize their suggestions. If someone does make a suggestion, don't take it as a personal criticism and become defensive. Don't be defensive or stubborn. Be open to reason. Be willing to listen and learn. Be open to ideas and suggestions. Allow discussion. If something is true, listen and learn, if it's false, ignore and forget it.

While I like to think of myself as be a reasonable person, I know that I do take things personally and become defensive. I still need a lot of help from God to overcome this. Perhaps this is why I have situations that come up all the time. God is giving me the opportunity to learn from it and change myself so that I don’t automatically become defensive. This morning Father I thank you for your word on this manner and pointing this out in my life. You are teaching me through my experiences. I pray for your assistance, guidance and wisdom in this area, as well in the decisions and organization of my work today. Help me to lead well and to respond rightly to others. This I pray in you Son Jesus name, amen!