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Monday, April 4, 2011

Learning to Speak Woman

This post is about Chapter 8 "Learning to Speak Woman" from "Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber.

100% of the responsibility for the sustenance of marriage belongs to the man.  Men need to model themselves after the life of Christ.

Woman speak a unique dialect, it’s our responsibility to learn it and speak it back to them with passion. Men must take initiative, and then stick with it, remain under, stay.

Scripture tells us to: 1 Peter 3:7, “You Husbands.. live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker...”

“Live with your wife in an understanding way...”

We are to engage our minds, gain a full mental grasp on the nature / significance
  • Think it through
  • Work hard at it
  • Don’t give up
  • Become a student of your wife
“As with a weaker vessel...”
This doesn't mean she is inferior or we are superior, it refers to weaker, but not lesser
She is:
  • more delicate (fine china, more fragile)
  • more sensitive (has a more precisely adjusted sensory ability, especially in terms of relationships)
  • more alert to what’s happening in her environment
By design - requires provision, protection and care
We need to understand her as more delicate, fragile, alert, and sensitive being

We communicate in different ways...
What are a woman’s needs:
  • Her need for affection, that is tenderness
  • Conversation, the sharing of the heart
  • Honesty and openness, no secrets between us
  • Security or physical and financial provision
  • Relational commitment, she must know she is top priority
Scripture refines these down to three things; Honor, Nourish and Cherish, These must become action plans. We need to show, demonstrate, verbalize and express. Learn to know here needs and to speak her language:
  • She needs to know she is top priority
  • She needs to hear it from you and see it in your
Based on this, here’s some questions to leave you with:

Stu starts off this chapter 8 saying that as a man we are “100% responsible for the sustenance of the marriage.”  Do you agree or disagree with this statement?   Why?

Stu then provides a verse in scripture which tells us men to “live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker...”    What does culture/media teach about this?  How do you feel about this?   What could be some practical ways in which we can practice what scripture tells us?

A Man and His Lady - Part 1

This post is about Chapter 7 "A Man and His Lady - Part 1" from "Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber.

We’re just different!
FocusedComprehensive - especially when it comes to relationships
One thing at a timeEvery comes and goes together
What happened earlier in the day has no connection to something later in the dayWhat happens earlier in the day has everything to do with what happens later in the day
Task orientedFocus on Relationships
[Part of Being a Provider / Protection]
[Part of Being a Helpmate]

Gen. 2:18
God said, "It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion....”
Helper does not mean inferior  (it’s says more about the one needing help)
Man is incomplete, he needs help
Culture is trying to tell us there is no fundamental differences, they don’t accept it.
God -> Men and Women are absolutely equal, however equality does not mean sameness.
Man/Women each think differently, view life differently.

Crux of existence for a woman:
  • Sense of relationship
  • Interconnectedness of people
  • Relationship colors every aspect of a woman’s life

Use conversation to expand and understand relationshipsUse talk to covey solutions
See People as mutually dependentSee People as self-reliant
CaringValue Freedom
Acton's within a context, linking one moment to the nextRegard events as isolated

It may be chitchat to a man, but to a woman, it’s lifeblood

How we see life differently:

See’s everything as connected, therefore describes it that way(A Man’s view of this is “takes forever to get to the point,” “Land the Plane Already”)
Sharing what is on their minds, that what makes it relevant.  We are together, there is no “Big Point”, no decision is requiredJust strives to get to the bottom line, cut away non-essential information
Sharing our hearts, that’s enough!

Women will fight isolation

Tend to be tough and strongTender and Gentle
Logic and linear thinkingEmotion and Verbal communication
Risk taker, ready to “Go for it”Security and Order
Relational InsensitivitySensitivity
Look towards the long haulConcerned about here and now
Skeptical and SuspiciousMore believing and trusting
Rough and CallousedKeen sensitivity to the slightest breeze
Doesn’t react to a breezeNotices beauty of even the tiniest flower
Not aware of the smallest of flowersConstantly aware of all the changes going on and around it
Not sensitive to slight changesAble to react to the slightest variation in the environment
Strength, when harnessed can pull a plow that four men couldn’t pullReacts swiftly toward anything that might hurt it
Tend to plow through circumstancesMan “feel” life and her surroundings with much more sensitivity

Based on this, here’s some questions to leave you with:

In chapter 7, Stu spent time talking about how culture doesn’t want to accept (other than physical differences) that Men / Woman are different.  Do you agree/disagree, why?

In Gen. 2:18, “God said, ‘It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion....’”   Do you think your need a helper?  Why/Why not?

Under Orders (Man and His Leadership)

This post is about Chapter 6 "Under Order" from "Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber.

The key in this chapter is being a man under authority / under orders.

God chose to describes man’s role in the home as “head”.  We are commanded to lead; it is not optional.  Husband is head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.

In general people think:   A private person is king, anything goes, every man, every woman is an island.  Everyone does what is right in his own eyes so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else of course.   Stu compares this to a situation/analogy where there are no more traffic signals, everyone is on his/her own.

As men/husbands we must own a spirit of submission, not just a sense of technical hierarchy.   Men who demand submission from their wives but in turn submit themselves to no one, including God.

We cannot blame women for being frustrated because they fear the injustice of being under headship that itself is not accountable.  The real key of this chapter, “Men, are you coming under the authority of Christ?”

Am I loving my wife as myself, am I being harsh or inconsiderate with her?  Am I exasperating my children under my leadership.  Am I submitting to the authority of my local church leaders and civil government officials.

Before a man can ever lead, he must learn to follow.  How can a man credibly tech others to obey God if he doesn’t.

Husband = manager, steward, caretaker → to direct / manage.  To be a husband is to be responsible.
Head = directory, chief, headmaster, principle = leadership or authority

Man was the head, he was to be the responsible one.  As husbands you have been given a trust, a stewardship, a responsibility, a duty to manage to care for.  Women was made to be provide for, protected and cared for.  A man was made to be a provider, protector and care giver.

How should we respond to this call:  Accept and live it, trust and obey it, Take orders and follow them, all as men under authority.

A real man:
  • is kind
  • is caring
  • walks away from silly macho fights
  • helps his wife
  • help with the kids when they are sick
  • doesn’t run from his problems
  • sticks to his work and keeps his promises
  • is honest
  • is not in trouble with the law
Vision of a tender warrior:  A man who stays, who is bot in authority and under authority.

Based on this, here’s a question to leave you with:

In chapter 6, Stu provides the vision of a Tender Warrior, “A man who stays, who is both in authority and under authority.  What do you think it means to be a man who is in authority and under authority?  

Beneath The Breastplate (Man’s Tender Side)

This post is about Chapter 5 "Beneath the Breastplate" from "Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber.

Stu starts of this chapter with saying “In every man there is a tender side, the side that connects to another.”  A desire to be touched, to link, to be with.  A real man has feelings and isn’t afraid to express them.  Stu says that “High fives” are really hugs, (“chicken hugs”) - it’s the tender side trying to show through the warrior.

The English word Tender comes from the Latin root “Tendre” which means to stretch out or to extend.

A great example in scripture is the Apostle Paul.  He was a fighter, he exhibited and embraced a couple of key characteristics and traits of a tender warrior.  

Foremost was his Fond affection, which is a dedicated professionalism, finest of skilled caregivers.  The Heart of Paul’s ministry was the ministry of his heart; tender, gentle, fond, affectionate.  Care for one another - overcome obstacles, to feel oneself drawn to almost uncontrollable urge to hold, hug, to explode with joy of togetherness.  With Paul, his life was a WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get.)  He was clear to the core.  He had imparted, had given, held nothing back.  Stu adds that a real man must not be afraid to tell you who he is, deep down inside.  A real man has the ability to stay with each other, give oneself away - real service.  As a real man we don’t have to pretend to be perfect - we don’t to prove we have it all together.

Based on this, here’s a question to leave you with:

In chapter 5, Stu made the statement “A real man has feelings and isn’t afraid to express them.”  Why is it hard for men to express or discuss their feelings?   Think of “Tender Warriors” around you, what do they have in common, or how are they different?  How would you emulate them?