Selflessness Brings Out the Best in Relationships

“The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.” Galatians 6:7-8 (MSG)

Selfishness destroys relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict, arguments, divorce, and even war.

James 4:1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (NIV). Every trouble starts because of self-centeredness.

It’s very easy for selfishness to enter relationships. When I first start a relationship, I work hard at being unselfish. But as time goes on, selfishness begins to creep in. People often put more energy into starting and building relationships than they do in maintaining them.

If selfishness destroys relationships, then selflessness is what makes them grow. What does selflessness mean? It means less of “me” and more of “you.” It means thinking of others more than I think of myself and putting other people’s needs before my own. As Philippians 2:4 says, “Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others” (CSB).

Selflessness brings out the best in people. It builds trust in relationships. In fact, if I start acting selflessly in a relationship, the other person changes too; when I'm selfless, I'm not the same person anymore, so they have to relate to me in a different way.

Some of the most unlovable people, those who no one wants to be around, are often transformed when someone is kind and selfless toward them. When someone is given what they need—not what they deserve—they change in beautiful ways.

The Bible says in the Message paraphrase, “The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life” (Galatians 6:7-8).

This is the biblical principle of sowing and reaping. Whatever I sow, I'm going to reap. When I sow selflessness, I reap God’s blessing. This is how he’s wired the universe: The more unselfish I am, the more he blesses me. He wants me to become like him, and he is unselfish. Everything I have is a gift from God, a result of his unselfishness toward me. 

So while here on this earth, I'll be most fulfilled when I give myself away. Jesus said, “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it” (Mark 8:35 NLT).

In summary:

Selfishness is the silent "weed" that chokes the life out of relationships, serving as the root cause of nearly every conflict and fallout. While it is easy to be generous at the start of a connection, we often drift toward self-centeredness as time passes, neglecting the maintenance required to keep a relationship healthy. However, the biblical principle of sowing and reaping in Galatians 6:7-8 makes the stakes clear: planting seeds of selfishness only yields a life full of "weeds," while planting in response to God’s Spirit produces a harvest of "real life." By choosing selflessness—putting others' needs before our own and giving ourselves away—we not only mirror God’s unselfish character but also create a transformative environment where trust can grow and even the most difficult people can be changed by grace.

Bottom line:

Relationships are a harvest, and I cannot reap intimacy if I'm are only sowing seeds of self-interest.

Next Steps:

Stop "hiding" behind my defensive mask by sharing one small, honest feeling today, then pivot to empathetic listening to bear someone else’s burden without trying to fix it. By sowing these seeds of vulnerability and selflessness, I trade my "weeds" of isolation for a harvest of genuine intimacy.

The Skill That Builds Relationships

“We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others.” Romans 15:2 (TLB)

Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships. I can’t love people without listening to them.

But sometimes people run into trouble in their relationships when they think hearing and listening are the same thing. The truth is that there’s a big difference between hearing someone and listening to them. 

I can hear something and not really be listening. I can’t tell you how many I was hearing the words but not really listening to the emotions. Sometimes the words don’t even matter. Someone can say, “I’m fine,” but the way they say it tells me that they’re not. Listening means I also hear what the person isn’t saying.

When I listen that way, I'm showing empathy. Empathy means to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and learn their point of view. I ask myself, “How would I feel if I were in that situation?”

Listening with empathy means I listen without interruption and I listen for what’s not being said—the feelings and fears behind the words. And I don’t need to try to fix the situation. In fact, sometimes healing comes just from someone listening!

Romans 15:2 says, “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” (TLB).

What does it mean to be considerate or to bear the burden of someone else’s doubts? It means that, when people are in so much pain that they don’t even know what they believe, they need the devotion of a loyal friend. They need someone who will be present and listen with empathy.

Can I be that friend today?

In summary:

Real relationship-building starts when I stop just hearing noise and start listening for the emotions and fears tucked between the lines. According to Romans 15:2, "bearing the burden" of someone’s doubts doesn't mean I have to be their unsolicited life coach; it means practicing empathy by stepping into their shoes and offering a safe space where they don't have to be "fine." By resisting the urge to interrupt or "fix" the situation, I provide a rare form of healing that only comes from being truly understood, proving that presence is often more powerful than any advice I could give.

Bottom Line:

Listening is an act of love, and true listening requires empathy over expertise.

While "hearing" is merely processing sounds, "listening" involves discerning the unspoken fears and emotions behind someone's words. I'm not called to fix their problems or offer immediate solutions; instead, I am called to "bear the burden" by simply being present and validating their experience. In many cases, the healing doesn't come from the advice I give, but from the fact that the other person no longer feels alone in their struggle.

Next Steps:

To move from merely hearing people to truly "bearing their burdens" through empathetic listening:

Practice the "Three-Second Gap": The next time someone is speaking to me, wait three full seconds after they finish before I respond. This prevents me from "reloading" my next point while they are still talking and gives me a moment to process the emotion behind their words rather than just the literal meaning.

Audit My "Fix-It" Reflex: In my next meaningful conversation, consciously decide that I will not offer a solution, even if I have a great one. Instead, focus entirely on validating their experience by saying something like, "That sounds incredibly [difficult/frustrating/exhausting]. I’m here with you." Often, the "burden" is lighter just because it’s shared.

Use an "Empathy Map" Mentality: While listening, mentally ask myself four questions: What are they saying? What are they doing (body language)? What are they thinking? What are they feeling? This will help me "step into their shoes" and catch the fears they might be too hesitant to voice.

Where to Find the Courage to Connect

“For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (TLB)

When I'm full of fear and anxiety, I don’t get close to other people. Instead, I back off. My fear being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used, and these fears cause me to disconnect from the people around me.

This fear is as old as humanity. When Adam and Eve sinned, God came looking for them. Then Adam said, “I was afraid . . . and I hid myself” (Genesis 3:10 ESV). People have been hiding ever since.

I may not physically hide, but I hide my true self. I don’t let people know what I'm really like. I don’t let them see inside me. Why? Because I believe that if I show people my true self and they don’t like it, I’ll be up a creek without a paddle. Instead, I pretend to be someone I'm not. 

Fear leads to three things that will damage my relationships.

Fear makes me defensive. I'm afraid to reveal myself, but people inevitably spot some of my weaknesses. And when they point out those weaknesses, I defend myself and retaliate.

Fear keeps me distant. I'm afraid to be open and honest—to let people get close to me. Instead, I withdraw and pull back, hide my emotions, and become defensive and distant.

Fear makes me demanding. The more insecure I am, the more I try to control and dominate. For me, it might look like always having to get in the last word in a conversation. Being demanding is always a symptom of fear and insecurity.

Clearly, fear only damages my relationships. But where do I get the courage to take the first step to connect with someone and move toward deeper intimacy?

I get it from God’s Spirit in my life. Paul says in the Living Bible paraphrase, “For the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them” (2 Timothy 1:7).

How do I know I'm filled with God’s Spirit? I'm filled with God’s Spirit when I've become more courageous in my relationships. Rather than fearing people, I'm free to love them and enjoy being with them. 

The Bible says that “God is love” (1 John 4:8 TLB) and that “perfect love drives out all fear” (1 John 4:18 GNT). The more of God I have in my life, the less fear you’re going to have in my life.

The starting point in connecting with anyone is to pause, pray, and say, “God, give me the courage to take the first step.” Am I ready to pray that for one of my relationships today? 

In summary:

Rooted in the wisdom of 2 Timothy 1:7, this passage explores how fear—originating as far back as the Garden of Eden—acts as a barrier to authentic human connection by making us defensive, distant, and demanding. When we feel insecure, we often hide our true selves to avoid rejection, yet this self-protection only stifles intimacy and fuels a desire for control. The solution lies in inviting the Holy Spirit into our lives, as God’s "perfect love drives out all fear," replacing anxiety with the strength and wisdom needed to be vulnerable. Ultimately, by leaning into God's presence, we gain the courage to stop hiding and instead enjoy meaningful, loving relationships.

Bottom line:

Fear is the enemy of intimacy, but it can be defeated by divine love. While insecurity drives us to hide, defend, and control, the Holy Spirit provides the internal security needed to stop pretending. When we trade our self-protection for God's presence, we gain the courage to be vulnerable, allowing us to move toward people rather than away from them.

Next Steps:

Bridge the gap between "hiding" and "loving":

Audit Your "Safety Tactics": Over the next 24 hours, notice when I become defensive, distant, or demanding. Identifying which of these three "fear symptoms" I lean on most is the first step toward stopping the reflex.

Practice "The First Step" Prayer: Before my next social interaction—whether it’s a difficult meeting or a dinner with a spouse—pause and use the prayer suggested in the text: "God, give me the courage to take the first step." * Choose One "Unmasking" Moment: Pick a person I trust and share one small, honest thing about my day or my feelings that I would usually keep hidden. This builds the "courage muscle" the text describes.

A Relatable Ambassador

“We are . . . Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.” 2 Corinthians 5:20 (NIV)

Your job as God’s child is to invite others to join the family. In fact, you are an ambassador of Christ. That means that, everywhere you go, you represent Jesus.

The Bible says, “We are . . . Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us” (2 Corinthians 5:20 NIV).

Now, you may be thinking, “I'm just not qualified to be an ambassador for Christ.” Maybe you think it requires a special personality or a gift for persuading people. Or perhaps you struggle to find the confidence you need to tell people about the hope you have in Jesus.

Here are five truths that will give you confidence to be an ambassador for Jesus:

Everyone longs for the same things you do. You didn't stop being human when you were born again into God’s family. You still have the same drives and desires everyone else does. That means what you’re offering to people—how to live a life of purpose—is what they’re already longing for and looking for.

Everyone has the same questions you have. All those questions you have in your mind—like "Who am I?” and “Does my life have purpose?”—are from God. They’re not small questions, but they are universal. And the answers, of course, are found in God’s Word.

Many people are unsure of their beliefs and often contradict themselves. For example, some people say there are no absolutes in life. Well, that statement alone is an absolute statement. But when you share the hope of Jesus, it brings clarity to people’s lives.

Listen for the key that will open their heart to Jesus. That key is their unmet need or hidden hurt. The only way to God is through Jesus Christ. But people come to Jesus for many reasons—many times through their painful experiences.

People have excuses, but you have the Holy Spirit and the truth. You're not alone when you tell people about God’s plan of salvation through Jesus. While you’re talking, God is with you, but he is also working in the other person's heart through the Holy Spirit.

So many times, people lack confidence in sharing their faith. The good news is, God will always tell you what to say when you need to say it—every time—when you trust him!

In summary:

As a child of God, I am called to serve as Christ’s ambassador, representing Jesus in every area of my life by inviting others into his family. While I may feel unqualified or hesitant, I can find confidence in knowing that everyone shares the same universal longings and questions that only God’s Word can answer. By listening for the "key" of a person's hidden hurts and relying on the Holy Spirit to work alongside me, I don't have to depend on my own persuasiveness; instead, I can trust that God will provide the right words and clarity to reach those who are searching for hope.

Bottom Line:

The bottom line is that my worthiness as an ambassador isn't based on my personality, but on my shared humanity. Because I experience the same needs and questions as everyone else, I am uniquely qualified to connect their "hidden hurts" to the hope of Jesus. I don't have to be a perfect persuader; I just have to be a willing representative, trusting the Holy Spirit to do the heavy lifting of changing hearts.

Next Steps:

Move past my hesitation and trust the Holy Spirit. My most practical next step is to pivot from preparation to observation. Instead of worrying about what to say, try to identify a "key" in a conversation today. This means simply listening to the people around me for an "unmet need or hidden hurt"—the universal questions mentioned in the text. I don't even have to share my faith in that moment; just practice spotting the openings where someone is longing for the purpose I've already found.

Identity Before Impact

“God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. . . . We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him.” Romans 8:29 (MSG)

From the very beginning, God’s plan has been to make me like his Son, Jesus. God announced this intention at creation: “Then God said, ‘Let us make human beings in our image and likeness’” (Genesis 1:26 NCV).

In all of creation, only human beings are made in God’s image. It’s a great privilege—and it gives me dignity.

What does it mean to be made in God’s image? It’s one of those concepts that’s too big to fully understand, but here’s some of what it means:

• Like God, I am a spiritual being. My spirit is immortal and will outlast my earthly body.

• I am intellectual. I can think, reason, and solve problems.

• I am relational. I can give and receive real love.

• I have a moral consciousness. I can discern right from wrong, which makes me accountable to God.

But there’s a problem: The image of God in me is incomplete and has been damaged and distorted by sin. So God sent Jesus on a mission to restore the full image that myself—and everyone else ever born—have lost. 

What does the full “image and likeness” of God look like? It looks like Jesus Christ!

The Message paraphrase says: “God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. . . . We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him” (Romans 8:29).

The Bible says Jesus is “the exact likeness of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4 NLT), “the visible image of the invisible God” (Colossians 1:15 NLT), and “the exact representation of his being” (Hebrews 1:3 NIV). Jesus is God!

People often use the phrase “like father, like son” to refer to family resemblance. When people see my likeness in my kids, it pleases me. In the same way, God wants his children to bear his image and likeness. The Bible says I was “created to be like God—truly righteous and holy” (Ephesians 4:24 NLT).

Live like an image bearer today so that when people look at me, they’ll think of how much I'm like my heavenly Father!

In summary:

From the beginning, God’s purpose has been to shape those who love Him into the likeness of His Son, Jesus—the true and complete image of God. Humans alone are created in God’s image, giving us spiritual depth, intellect, relational capacity, and moral awareness, yet that image has been distorted by sin. Through Jesus, God works to restore what was damaged, forming our lives according to Christ’s character, who perfectly reflects the Father. Spiritual growth, then, is the ongoing process of becoming more like Jesus—living in righteousness and holiness—so that as God’s children, we visibly reflect our heavenly Father to the world.

Bottom line:

I was created to reflect God—and His ultimate goal is to shape my life to look like Jesus.

Next Steps:

Based on who I am—and my calling to lead, align, and equip others—my next step is to shift from asking “What should I accomplish next?” to “How is Christ being formed in me right now?”

If God’s primary goal is Christlikeness, then my leadership, coaching, and 2026 vision must flow from that formation.

Practically:

1. Choose One Christlike Trait to Intentionally Develop, Not ten. One: 

Humility, Courage, Patience, Integrity, Compassion, Obedience

Make it your 60–90 day formation focus.

2. Audit Your Leadership Through the Lens of Image-Bearing

Ask weekly: Did my responses reflect Jesus? Did I lead from identity or from ego? Did I model what I’m equipping others to become?

3. Align my 2026 Goals With Formation, Not Just Expansion. Impact without Christlike character weakens influence. Character alignment strengthens it.

My calling is not just to help people succeed. It’s to help them become who they were created to be. And the most powerful way to do that is to visibly live as an image-bearer first. Formation precedes multiplication. Identity precedes impact.

You Need God’s Presence, Not an Explanation

“We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

When tragedy strikes, when I hit the skids, when my life falls apart, when everything goes wrong, the typical reaction is to look for an explanation.

But sadly, explanations never, ever comfort. Even if I were given an explanation for my pain, it wouldn’t take the pain away. It wouldn’t shorten or lessen my grief. It wouldn’t make me less likely to choose resentment.

So don’t waste time in trying to find out the “why.” Why? First, My brain isn't big enough to understand all that happens in the world. It’s like an ant trying to understand the internet. I'm just not going to know why a lot of things in my life happen until I get to heaven. It’s not going to make sense until I'm standing before God. Then I will see clearly.

And until then? What I need when I'm going through a tough time is not an explanation. What I need is God’s presence.

One of the reasons I can always be thankful even in my darkest days is the promise of Romans 8:28: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (NIV).

No matter how broken life feels, if I give the pieces to God, he will bring good from them. He loves to turn crucifixions into resurrections and then bless the whole world by it.

Whatever pain I’ve been holding onto and trying to understand, I need to surrender it to God today. Ask him for a renewed sense of his presence. Let him hold me together until everything is redeemed one day in heaven. Ask him to take my pain and use it to bless someone, as I trust him to use it for good.

In summary:

Romans 8:28 reminds me that even when life falls apart and I long for explanations, what I truly need is not answers but God’s presence. I may never fully understand why painful or tragic events happen, and explanations would not remove the grief anyway. Instead of chasing the “why,” I’m invited to trust that God is bigger than my understanding and is actively working all things— even the broken pieces— for good in the lives of those who love Him and are called to His purpose. When I surrender my pain to Him, He can redeem it, bringing restoration out of devastation and using my suffering to bless others, all while holding me steady until the full picture is revealed in eternity.

Bottom line:

I may not get an explanation for my pain—but I can trust that God is present in it and will redeem it for good

Next Steps:

1. Personally: Practice Present Trust

Instead of trying to solve or analyze every difficulty, intentionally practice surrender.

Identify one current burden you’ve been trying to “figure out.”

Release the need for explanation.

Ask daily: “How can I trust God here instead of control outcomes?”

Trust becomes leadership credibility when it’s lived, not just taught.

2. Formationally: Reframe Pain as Preparation

Journal or reflect on:

What is this season forming in my character?

How might this experience equip me to serve others more effectively?

Pain that is processed becomes wisdom.

Wisdom shared becomes impact.

3. Missionally: Integrate Redemption into Your Coaching

You are called to equip others. This passage gives you a framework:

Help people stop obsessing over “why.”

Guide them toward purpose in the process.

Teach them how to transform setbacks into alignment moments.

Your 2026 focus on Alignment and Equipping is strengthened here:

Alignment = trusting God’s purpose even without full clarity.

Equipping = helping others reinterpret hardship through a redemptive lens.

The Next Wisest Step

Choose one current challenge in your life and intentionally model redemptive trust in it. Then share the lesson—not from theory, but from experience.

That’s how influence deepens.

Aligned From the Inside Out

“Take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.” Ephesians 4:22-24 (MSG)

Many religions and philosophies promote the old lie that people are divine or can become gods. I will never become God or even a god.

That prideful lie is Satan’s oldest temptation. Satan wanted Adam and Eve to follow his advice and promised them: “You will be like God . . .” (Genesis 3:5 NIV).

This desire to be a god shows up every time I try to control my circumstances, future, or people around me. But I'm a creature; I will never be the Creator. God doesn’t want me to become a god; he wants me to become godly, taking on his values, attitudes, and character.

The Message paraphrase says I am meant to “take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you” (Ephesians 4:22-24).

God’s purpose for my life isn’t to make me comfortable. He wants me to grow up spiritually and become like Christ.

Becoming like Christ does not mean losing my personality or becoming a mindless clone. God created my uniqueness, so he doesn’t want to destroy it. Christlikeness is all about transforming my character, not my personality.

When I forget that transforming my character is one of God’s purposes for my life, it’s easy to become frustrated by my circumstances. I wonder, “Why is this happening to me? Why am I having such a difficult time?” One reason is that this world is broken. God never promised that life would be easy—but difficulty enables me to grow. Remember, earth is not heaven.

In John 10:10, Jesus promises: “I have come that they may have life, and that they might have it more abundantly” (NKJV). Many Christians misinterpret this promise of abundant life to mean perfect health, a comfortable lifestyle, constant happiness, full realization of dreams, and instant relief from problems through faith and prayer.

In a word, they expect the Christian life to be easy. They expect heaven on earth.

But God is not my genie or my servant. If I fall for the idea that life is supposed to be easy, I will become severely disillusioned and live in denial of reality.

The truth is, life is not about me! I exist for God’s purposes, not vice versa. Why would God provide heaven on earth when he’s planned the real thing for me in eternity?

God gives me my time on earth to build and strengthen my character—so Ill be ready for an eternity in heaven.

In summary:

Ephesians 4:22–24 teaches that God calls me to embrace a completely new way of living—one that is transformed from the inside out as His character is formed in me. Rather than believing the lie that I can be my own god or control everything around me, I’m invited to become godly by reflecting God’s values, attitudes, and heart. This transformation isn’t about losing my personality but about reshaping my character to become more like Christ. Life on earth isn’t meant to be easy or centered on my comfort; it’s a training ground where challenges grow and mature me spiritually. Ultimately, my purpose isn’t to build heaven here, but to allow God to prepare my character for eternity with Him.

Bottom Line:

Life isn’t about becoming my own god or chasing comfort—it’s about surrendering to God’s transforming work so my character becomes more like Christ.

Next Step:

Shift my primary goal from expanding impact to deepening character alignment. Before I scale influence, refine identity. Before I equip others, allow God to further shape me.

Based on this passage, that means intentionally asking:

Where am I still trying to control outcomes instead of surrendering them?

Where am I prioritizing comfort or momentum over character formation?

What area of my leadership needs deeper inner renewal—not just better strategy?

Practically, my next step could be:

Choose one character trait (patience, humility, courage, consistency, gentleness, integrity) and make it your intentional growth focus for the next 60–90 days.

Build reflection into your leadership rhythm—weekly review: “Did my conduct reflect Christ’s character this week?”

Integrate character formation into your coaching frameworks—move from performance coaching to transformation coaching.

Your 2026 success will not be defined by how many people I reach. It will be defined by how clearly Christ’s character is reproduced in me—and then through me.

Alignment first.

Equipping second.

Influence naturally follows.