Conversational Stewardship, It’s Not about You

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

It’s important to remember in my conversations the same truth that applies to every other area of my life: It’s not about me.

What do I think will happen if I start every conversation with my agenda, hurt, complaint, or problem? I'm not going to get very far!

Most conversations should start by empathizing with the needs of the other person. What are their hurts? What are their interests? What are their fears? What are their problems?  

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV).

There are four commands in this verse: Speak only what is helpful, build others up, defer to others’ needs, and benefit others. None of those commands are about me.

I’ll get my turn at some point. I’ll have my chance to share my frustration or fear or need or opinion—but don’t start there.        

Here's how to start: When I sit down to a conversation with someone, encourage them to talk first. Then let them speak without any interruption. Don't ask questions. Don't ask for clarification. Don't challenge. Just let them speak. That shows I'm aware. That shows I'm paying attention. That shows I care.          

There’s another way to show I care: Summarize what they’ve said. Try saying, “Let me repeat back to you what I think I heard you say.” I paraphrase what I heard them say so they can affirm or correct me and maintain healthy communication. This shows I cared enough to listen and to also make sure they were understood. It’s a powerful way to show love in any relationship.

It’s human nature to want to focus on myself. But the sign of a master communicator is having enough humility to make the other person the focus of the conversation, helping them feel heard and understood.

In summary:

Ephesians 4:29 serves as a mandate for constructive communication, shifting the focus of speech from self-expression to communal edification. Paul’s instruction challenges the natural human impulse to lead with personal agendas, frustrations, or "unwholesome talk," instead prioritizing the specific needs of the listener. In the broader context of the "New Man" in Christ, this passage suggests that spiritual maturity is evidenced by the discipline of listening and the intentionality of words that offer grace and strength to others. True communication is not merely an exchange of information but an act of stewardship and love.

Bottom line:

Spiritual maturity transforms conversation from a platform for self-promotion into a tool for selfless service.

Next step:

To align my identity as a builder rather than a consumer of conversations, practice the "Echo and Wait" technique in your next difficult or important meeting. Before sharing my own perspective, provide a concise summary of the other person’s points and ask, “Did I get that right?” Only after they confirm they feel understood should I proceed with my input, ensuring my response is tailored to build them up rather than just being heard.

Relational Resilience through Humility - Hear the Hurt Behind the Words

"Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude." 1 Peter 3:8 (NLT)

What people say in a conversation is not nearly as important as what they are feeling. Many times, someone is saying one thing and feeling another.

If I'm going to be a great listener, then I need to look past people’s words, even when what they're saying is offensive. Hurt people hurt people, and words are an effective weapon. When people lash out or get defensive, it’s often because they're afraid, insecure, or frustrated.   

Once I recognize that, it becomes much easier to focus on listening to what they’re really trying to say. It’s much harder to be sympathetic when I think they’re being unkind just because they’re spiteful or mean.

Words don’t always give me the whole picture. I need to look for the open nerve. I have to look at what the person has experienced. I have to ask why this issue may be a big deal to them. I listen for the pain, understanding that sometimes the pain doesn't have anything to do with me. Some pain is so deep it clouds every interaction someone has. The words may just be a mask for pain.

Learning to listen with love means looking past the things people are saying to what they might be feeling.

"Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude" (1 Peter 3:8 NLT).

When I'm humble, I'm open to new ideas. When I'm loving and sympathetic, I don't bite back. If people get angry with me, I know to look past their anger and ask, “What are they afraid of? What are they anxious or fearful about? What has hurt them?”

I won’t always know people well enough to understand exactly what’s pressing on their nerves. I may not be able to figure out what’s going on with their emotions. When that happens, I just have to give them the benefit of the doubt. I have to choose humility and kindness over getting the last word. I have to give people grace instead of getting even or making my point.

Even when faced with harsh words, a great listener always chooses love.

In summary:

In 1 Peter 3:8, the Apostle Peter outlines a blueprint for relational harmony rooted in sympathy, brotherly love, and humility. This passage serves as a foundation for "listening with love," a practice that requires looking past the surface level of offensive or defensive language to identify the underlying emotional pain. True biblical listening recognizes that "hurt people hurt people" and shifts the focus from winning an argument to addressing the "open nerve" of fear, insecurity, or frustration in others. By adopting a posture of humility, a believer chooses to offer grace and the benefit of the doubt rather than reacting to harsh words with equal force.

Bottom Line:

Masterful listening requires looking past the mask of words to address the heart of the speaker’s pain with humble grace.

Next Step:

In my next difficult or tense conversation, consciously pause for three seconds before responding to a perceived slight; use that silence to ask myself, "What unstated fear or pain might be driving these words?" and respond to that need rather than the offense.

The Discipline of the Listening Ear, Listen Before You Fix

“The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him." Proverbs 18:13 (CSB)

One of the problems with us is that we like to fix things. When we see a problem, we want to quickly jump to how we can solve it so we can move on. But God wants me to be a feeler before a fixer. He wants me to feel someone’s pain before I try to solve the problem.

“The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness and disgrace for him" (Proverbs 18:13 CSB).         

I may be barely into a conversation before I think, "I know how to fix this." But that's not loving. People don't care what I know until they know that I care. They want to feel heard. They want to feel loved. They want to feel understood.

There is healing in sharing. My ear is a healing tool God can use if I'll learn to listen without trying to fix anything.

In John 11, when Jesus heard that his friend Lazarus was sick, he delayed and took three days to travel what should have taken less than a day. By the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus had died. His sisters were grieving and told Jesus that if he had come sooner, Lazarus would not have died.

Jesus’ delay might seem callous, but he had a plan: He didn’t want to heal Lazarus. He wanted to raise him from the dead to show that he, Jesus, was the Son of God. He already knew the solution before Lazarus even got sick.  

"Jesus saw her weeping, and he saw how the people with her were weeping also; his heart was touched, and he was deeply moved. ‘Where have you buried him?’ he asked them. ‘Come and see, Lord,’ they answered. Jesus wept” (John 11:33-35 GNT).    

Jesus was not unconcerned about their pain. When he saw everybody around him grieving, he mirrored it. He entered into it. Jesus knew the solution, but it didn’t keep him from sharing their grief. He shared their feelings, not his solution.

I may know the solution to someone’s problem, but I need to hold off. If I'm going to be a great listener, I've got to listen to their feelings and enter into their pain.

In summary:

Proverbs 18:13 and the narrative of Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus (John 11) converge to highlight the spiritual necessity of empathetic listening over immediate problem-solving. While human nature often drives us to "fix" situations to alleviate discomfort, true biblical wisdom prioritizes understanding and shared presence. Even Christ, who possessed the ultimate sovereign solution to death, chose to engage in communal grief and emotional resonance before exercising His power. This approach establishes that ministry and personal growth are rooted in the "ministry of presence," where the listener honors the dignity of the sufferer by validating their pain before offering a prescription.

Bottom Line:

Effective ministry requires the discipline to prioritize the heart of the person over the mechanics of the problem.

Next Step:

In your next three significant conversations, consciously implement a "pause-before-prescription" rule: do not offer a solution or a "fix" until you have verbally mirrored the other person's emotion and received confirmation that they feel understood.

To Love, I Have to Listen

In Romans 15:2 I read, “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others.” (TLB)

Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships. I can’t love people without listening to them.

But sometimes people run into trouble in their relationships when they think hearing and listening are the same thing. The truth is that there’s a big difference between hearing someone and listening to them.

I can hear something and not really be listening. I am hearing the words but not really listening to the emotions. Sometimes the words don’t even matter. Someone can say to me, “I’m fine,” but the way they say it tells me that they’re not. Listening means I also hear what the person isn’t saying.

When I listen that way, I’m showing empathy. Empathy means to put myself in the other person’s shoes and learn their point of view. I ask myself, “How would I feel if I were in that situation?”

Listening with empathy means I listen without interruption and I listen for what’s not being said—the feelings and fears behind the words. And I don’t need to try to fix the situation; sometimes healing comes just from someone listening!

Romans 15:2 says, “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” (TLB).

What does it mean to be considerate or to bear the burden of someone else’s doubts? It means that—when people are in so much pain that they don’t even know what they believe—they need the devotion of a loyal friend. They need someone who will be present and listen with empathy. Will I be that friend today?

In summary, listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships. I can’t love people without listening to them. Often we think hearing and listening are the same thing, however there’s a big difference between hearing someone and listening to them. I can hear something and not really be listening. I am hearing the words but not really listening to the emotions. Sometimes the words don’t even matter. Someone can say to me, “I’m fine,” but the way they say it tells me that they’re not. Listening means I also hear what the person isn’t saying. When I listen that way, I’m showing empathy, which puts me in the other person’s shoes and to learn their point of view. Listening with empathy means I listen without interruption and I listen for what’s not being said—the feelings and fears behind the words. I don’t need to try to fix the situation; sometimes healing comes just from someone listening! To be considerate or to bear the burden of someone else’s doubts? It means that—when people are in so much pain that they don’t even know what they believe—they need the devotion of a loyal friend. They need someone who will be present and listen with empathy. 

I need to look after the good of the people around me, asking myself, “How can I help?” I need to be considerate and help others do what is right. Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships. I can love others without listening to them. There's a big difference between hearing and listening. Listening means I also hear what the person isn't saying. This is empathy and it's where I put myself in the other person's shoes and learn their point of view. I need to listen without interruption and listen for fears and feelings. Often healing comes by listening. Others need the devotion of a loyal friend, someone who will be present and listen with empathy.  

How to Show Grace in Disagreement

In Romans 14:1 I read, “Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don't see things the way you do." (The Message)

Unity is not uniformity. When God says he wants his followers to be united, it doesn’t mean he wants us all to be alike. If he had wanted that, he would have created us all the same!

For unity’s sake, I must never let differences in the church divide us. I should celebrate those differences while staying focused on what matters most: learning to love each other as Christ has loved me and fulfilling God’s purposes for me in his church.

But what about all those differences in church members who annoy me? How can I be unified with someone who irritates me to no end?

“Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with—even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently” (Romans 14:1 The Message).

In church, or anywhere, be quick to listen and slow to anger when I have a disagreement. Why? Because most people tend to look at how far a person has to go rather than recognizing how far they’ve already come.

If I knew how much someone had already overcome in life, I’d probably be rejoicing with them instead of criticizing them for where they are now.

When I have a conflict with someone whose background I don’t know, don’t dismiss them or judge them for behavior that I don’t understand. Stop thinking, “What is wrong with this person?” Instead, ask, “What happened to them?”

Someone’s behavior might be shaped by trauma or crisis. Hurt people hurt people. When I find someone who’s hurting other people, if I dig deep enough, I’ll find that they also have been hurt.

The people that I think deserve my kindness the least are those who need the most massive doses of love. To achieve unity, offer empathy and compassion instead of judgment.

When I affirm someone’s worth and the story God is writing through their life, I don’t just change that one person’s life. I can transform a whole community!

In summary, welcome with open arms fellow believers who don't see things the way I do. Unity is not uniformity. When God says he wants his followers to be united, it doesn’t mean he wants us all to be alike. For unity’s sake, I must never let differences in the church divide me. Rather, I should celebrate those differences while staying focused on what matters most: learning to love each other as Christ has loved me and fulfilling God’s purposes for me in his church. To be unified with someone who irritates me, I’m told to welcome them with open arms and not jump all over them when they do or say something I don’t agree with. I need to remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently. I need to be quick to listen and slow to anger when I have a disagreement. When I have a conflict with someone whose background I don’t know, I shouldn’t dismiss them or judge them for behavior that I don’t understand. Consider or think, what happened to them. Someone’s behavior might be shaped by trauma or crisis.The people I think deserve my kindness the least are those who need the most massive doses of love. To achieve unity, I need to learn to offer empathy and compassion rather than judgment. When I affirm someone’s worth and the story God is writing through their life, I don’t just change that one person’s life. I can transform a whole community!

This verse assumes there will be differences of opinion in the church (disputable matters). Paul says I am not to quarrel about issues that are matters of opinion. Differences should not be feared or avoided, but accepted and handled with love. Don't expect everyone, even in the best possible church, to agree on every subject. Through sharing ideas we can come to a fuller understanding of what the Bible teaches. Accept, listen to, and respect others. Differences of opinion need not cause division. They can be a source of learning and richness in our relationships. 

Empathy Is an Antidote to Loneliness

In 2 Timothy 4:16-17 I read, “The first time I was brought before the judge, no one came with me. Everyone abandoned me. May it not be counted against them. But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength so that I might preach the Good News in its entirety for all the Gentiles to hear." (NLT)

Eventually, everyone experiences loneliness.

Loneliness isn’t prevented or fixed by beauty, wealth, fame, or success. Even marriage won’t protect me against loneliness. Many people marry because they’re lonely and divorce a few years later for the same reason.

The apostle Paul’s life goal, even toward the very end when he was dying alone, was for other people to know about Jesus. In 2 Timothy he talks about being brought alone before a judge. All his friends had abandoned him. But he kept his eyes focused on the spiritual needs of the people around him: “But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength so that I might preach the Good News in its entirety for all the Gentiles to hear” (2 Timothy 4:16-17 NLT).

He focused on others because he knew everyone needed to hear about God’s love. He could have focused on his own problems, but instead he looked at what he could do to help others. It kept him from being lonely, even when he was alone.

When I’m feeling lonely, don’t throw a pity party. Stop saying, “I’m alone. Nobody loves me; nobody even likes me.” For if and when I do that, I’d  just be focusing on myself.

Instead, turn my focus outward and build bridges to others. I’ll find there are a lot of lonely people who are also looking for connections.

How can I build bridges of connection? One way is by empathizing with other people’s needs. And remember to ask God to help me connect with others. Pray something like this: “Father, help me be a friend to people who need a friend.”

What’s causing loneliness in my life? Extreme seasons of transition, separation, rejection, or opposition can lead to devastating feelings of loneliness. For instance, much of the world experienced loneliness during the COVID-19 pandemic.

But don’t let difficult times keep me from reaching out to people. Look beyond my own problems and find creative ways to connect with others. Empathy is the antidote to loneliness.

In summary, everyone experiences loneliness. Loneliness isn’t prevented or fixed by beauty, wealth, fame, or success. The apostle Paul’s life goal, even toward the very end, was for other people to know about Jesus. In 2 Timothy he talks about being brought alone before a judge. All his friends had abandoned him. But he kept his eyes focused on the spiritual needs of the people around him: Paul focused on others because he knew everyone needed to hear about God’s love. He could have focused on his own problems, but instead he looked at what he could do to help others. It kept him from being lonely, even when he was alone. So when I’m feeling lonely, don’t throw a pity party. Stop saying, “I’m alone. Nobody cares.” For if and when I do that, I’d  just be focusing on myself. Instead, turn my focus outward and build bridges to others. How can I build bridges of connection? One way is by empathizing with other people’s needs. Also ask God to help me connect with others. “Father, help me be a friend to people who need a friend.” Don’t let difficult times keep me from reaching out to people. Look beyond my own problems and find creative ways to connect with others. Empathy is the antidote to loneliness.

When it appears that everyone has abandoned me, the Lord will be there with me and will give me strength. I may not feel very brave, but the Lord will give me courage. For God wants to give me the strength to do what he has commanded. This strength may not be evident until I step out in faith and actually begin to do the task. God is always there, and I am never alone. When I'm lonely, it's an opportunity to get to know God better. I can talk to him about anything, anywhere, anyplace, and he completely understands how I'm feeling.