How to Be Like Jesus in Conflict

In Philippians 2:4-5 I read, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” (NLT)

When I meet someone in order to resolve a conflict, I first have to confess my part of the problem. Then I need to listen for the other person’s hurt and perspective.

In every conflict—from personal relationships to politics—we think we argue over ideas. But we actually argue over emotion. Anytime there’s a conflict, someone’s feelings were hurt; somebody felt abused or slighted. It’s not the idea that causes the conflict. It’s the emotion behind the idea.

Hurt people hurt people. The more someone is experiencing hurt, the more likely they are to lash out at everyone else. People who aren’t experiencing hurt don’t hurt others. People who are filled with love are loving toward others. People who are filled with joy are joyful toward others. People who are filled with peace are at peace with everybody else. But people who are filled with hurt are going to hurt others. They’re going to lash out.

If I want to connect with people, I must start with their hurts, their needs, and their interests. If I want to be a good salesperson, I don’t start with your product. I start with your customer’s hurts, needs, and interests. If I want to be a good professor or pastor or anything else, I start with people’s needs, hurts, and interests.

Philippians 2:4-5 says, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (NLT).

In times of conflict, am I so busy trying to get others to see my position that I don’t listen to theirs? When each person is just speaking and not listening, I move further and further away from each other emotionally.

Instead, I need to intentionally switch my focus from my needs to their needs. Conflict resolution starts with the way I look at the situation. The word “look” in Philippians 2:4 is the Greek word scopos. It’s where we get our words “microscope” and “telescope.”

Scopos means “to focus.” The passage goes on to say that I should have the same attitude Jesus had. And I am most like Jesus when I’m focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than my own.

There’s an old proverb that says, “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” When I’m focused on the other person’s needs and not my own, I’ll be able to get a better understanding of the situation and move forward with resolving the conflict.